Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@shawn_spree : This 8 year old kid at McDonald's just ordered coffee. I hate to think the hell of the day he is having.
@shawn_spree: I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.
@shawn_spree: If it wasn't for the internet, I would think "12 Years A Slave" was a movie about a guy exaggerating about the first 3 weeks of marriage.
@shawn_spree: A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.
@shawn_spree: My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.
@shawn_spree: My son does this cute thing where he installs games on my phone and then for weeks I get notifications that my village is under attack.
@shawn_spree: *tries to get a life.
Life: I have a girlfriend.
@shawn_spree: I said I wouldn't go drinking in public again, but here I am waiting for my kids to get out of school.
@Shawn_spree: Cry if you missed someone.
Try to shoot them again before they leave.
@Shawn_spree: Wife: Am I grotesque?
Me: No, angel cake!
Wife: Why did you call me a cake?
Me: Cake is round?