Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
You Might Also Like
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume