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“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Meowchelangelo
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
*frowns in Scottish*
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee