Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I’m in the floor hanging on for dear life.