I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
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Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.