[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
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[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
i prefer mine room temperature.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free