the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
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Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Not today.. 😂
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Ha.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them