The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
You Might Also Like
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Breaking news:
#Caturday
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.