I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
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All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”