To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
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Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
This why you should mind your business
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
sigh
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
kitchen magnet
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves