I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
You Might Also Like
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
happy friday
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Give a baker flours on your first date.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what