Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I am having an out of money experience.