I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
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Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy