nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
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*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.