*cough*
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At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Said the murderer.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
okay run it by me one more time
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.