I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
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Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Omg 🤣
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever