@shopkins776

How many cupcakes do you guys usually take with you for your 30 minute gym workout

@shopkins776

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

@shopkins776

According to my dad the top three crimes of all time are:

3. Arson
2. Murder
1. Standing there with the goddamn door open letting all the heat out

@shopkins776

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

@shopkins776

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

@shopkins776

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

@shopkins776

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

@shopkins776

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down