@shopkins776: *At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That's ok, I'm 50. I just want to sit down
@shopkins776: 20 year old me)I'm going to be rich
30 year old me)I'm going to travel
40 year old me)I'm going to be a better person
50 year old me)I'm going to bed
@shopkins776: You guys, I checked. Wolves can't blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It's all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
@shopkins776: When you say "You're gonna hate me for this" you're making an awfully large assumption that I don't hate you already
@shopkins776: With all due respect to the Spice Girls. If you're gonna be my lover, I would prefer it if you didn't get with my friends
@shopkins776: Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
@shopkins776: I never make New Year's resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add "This time I'm serious"
@shopkins776: *Lying in hospital
Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again
Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip
@shopkins776: Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?
Parenthood. It's for you