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Page of shopkins776's best tweets

@shopkins776 : Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

@shopkins776: *At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That's ok, I'm 50. I just want to sit down

@shopkins776: 20 year old me)I'm going to be rich

30 year old me)I'm going to travel

40 year old me)I'm going to be a better person

50 year old me)I'm going to bed

@shopkins776: You guys, I checked. Wolves can't blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It's all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

@shopkins776: When you say "You're gonna hate me for this" you're making an awfully large assumption that I don't hate you already

@shopkins776: With all due respect to the Spice Girls. If you're gonna be my lover, I would prefer it if you didn't get with my friends

@shopkins776: Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

@shopkins776: I never make New Year's resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add "This time I'm serious"

@shopkins776: *Lying in hospital

Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again

Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip

@shopkins776: Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It's for you