@shopkins776

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

@shopkins776

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

@shopkins776

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

@shopkins776

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

@shopkins776

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

@shopkins776

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

@shopkins776

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

@shopkins776

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

@shopkins776

With all due respect to the Spice Girls. If you’re gonna be my lover, I would prefer it if you didn’t get with my friends

@shopkins776

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now