*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people