‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
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Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
next level snooze
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
dutch is not a serious language
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.