*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
You Might Also Like
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen