When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
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Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.