“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
My Sentiments Exactly
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*bites zombie*
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.