Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
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A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife: