@shutupmikeginn

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

@shutupmikeginn

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

@shutupmikeginn

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

@shutupmikeginn

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

@shutupmikeginn

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

@shutupmikeginn

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

@shutupmikeginn

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

@shutupmikeginn

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

@shutupmikeginn

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it