Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of shutupmikeginn's best tweets

@shutupmikeginn : Normal person: I’m in a bad mood. LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

@shutupmikeginn: Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

@shutupmikeginn: Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they're each writing Facebook posts about it

@shutupmikeginn: Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

@shutupmikeginn: Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

@shutupmikeginn: It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

@shutupmikeginn: Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

@shutupmikeginn: If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They're going to kill me anyway and I'd love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

@shutupmikeginn: There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.