if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.