Customize Your Wedding.
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I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Wise advice
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy