Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of shutupmikeginn's best tweets

@shutupmikeginn : Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.

@shutupmikeginn: Astronauts are cowards, why don't you stay down here and face earth's problems like a man

@shutupmikeginn: I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, "mind if I join?"

@shutupmikeginn: I have sloth-like reflexes

"Don't you mean catlike reflexes?"

[several hours later]

@shutupmikeginn: if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

@shutupmikeginn: my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

@shutupmikeginn: If you're ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, "Help Me" to strangers and watching their facial expressions

@shutupmikeginn: I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, 'change color and escape in a cloud of ink'

@shutupmikeginn: The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

@shutupmikeginn: Sing me a song you're the piano man / clean out my pool you're the gardener /now light up my room you're a ceiling fan