reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
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Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.