[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My love language is hissing.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.