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Page of shutupmikeginn's best tweets

@shutupmikeginn : If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They're going to kill me anyway and I'd love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

@shutupmikeginn: There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

@shutupmikeginn: A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

@shutupmikeginn: 0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you're exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

@shutupmikeginn: My Uber driver just asked if I knew where to buy cocaine and I pretended to think about it a while before saying no, so he’d think I was cool.

@shutupmikeginn: Me: It's cold outside.
Them: It's not cold outside. Not compared to the place i lived which was colder, which I'm about to elaborate on.

@shutupmikeginn: Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

@shutupmikeginn: I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

@shutupmikeginn: I think most “Emergeny Exit Only - Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.