[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
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I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
my one true gender
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.