[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
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*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?