it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
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I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.