In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
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*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
giddy up Office Depot
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo