The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
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Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.