[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
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“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
become ungovernable
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.