me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
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If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way