Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
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Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.