dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
You Might Also Like
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.