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Page of simoncholland's best tweets

@simoncholland : Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

@simoncholland: Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

@simoncholland: On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

@simoncholland: Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

@simoncholland: Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

@simoncholland: Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.

@simoncholland: I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

@simoncholland: You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

@simoncholland: All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

@simoncholland: Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?