@simoncholland

This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

@simoncholland

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

@simoncholland

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

@simoncholland

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.

@simoncholland

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

@simoncholland

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

@simoncholland

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

@simoncholland

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

@simoncholland

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.