We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
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I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!