My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
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Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”