Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.