[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
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If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.