Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
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In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.