If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
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Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
these two trucks have the same bed length
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down