@sip_at_home_mom: Meatloaf wouldn't have looked so winded if he'd just named the one thing he won't do, instead of listing everything he would.
@sip_at_home_mom: Finally relating to the moms in the group, but after a few awkward minutes, realized their "magic bullet" was a food processor.
@sip_at_home_mom: Pediatrician: I'd like to discuss your son's limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
@sip_at_home_mom: My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
@sip_at_home_mom: I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there's a chance I'll need them.
@sip_at_home_mom: You know that kid on the field who's too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He's mine, and he's not even on a team.
@sip_at_home_mom: I'm never more aware of a room's acoustics than when I'm trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
@sip_at_home_mom: My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, 'cause his fist hurt. And he'll hear about it every Mother's Day until I die.