She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
You Might Also Like
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.