DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
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New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
*seductively peels off lederhosen
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I drew y’all a little something.
oh shit
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No