JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I’LL NEVER ASK AGAIN!
-Liam Neeson pitching “Taken 3”
My GF arrives in town next week. I’m so excited!
I just hope that all the tension w/ Russia doesn’t make U.S. immigration hold up the mail.
For Valentine’s Day my GF upped my life insurance policy.
Unrelated, anyone know why there’s a ticking sound coming from underneath my car?
My ex wife claims I have “commitment issues” like I didn’t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Me to my Boss: Excuse me, sir, can I ask a stupid question.
Boss: Better than anyone else I know…
Me: I’ll write u a haiku!
Her: I’m just impressed u know how to spell haiku.
Me: *deletes “how to spell high-koo” from browser history*
Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.