Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
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SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I don’t know what to do
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
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See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
The internet is magic sometimes.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.