Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.
If I didn’t know any better….
Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious?
Cops:…Ok that’s funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.
So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.
There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.
My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.
Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.
One day my kids will find a “We’re Closed” sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I’ll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.
I can’t be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.