ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
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if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
and now we wait
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting