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When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.